*Disclaimer: You know how you have those down times but you pick yourself up and go on, and realize it's not that bad? This is one of those down times. It's not representative of my entire emotional state of being but I did want to include some honest truths along with all the rah-rah-schish-boom-bah that happens when you save the world. Though I do appreciate all of the concern and support from friends and family. I love you guys!
I am tired. I am tired of sweating all the time. Of oppressive heat and the feeling of suffocation. Of never having a clean house, clean kids, or clean me. I am tired of people who cannot see a different perspective, who expect me to assimilate 100% to their way of life but will make no concessions to mine. I am tired of a host mom who takes every opportunity to tell me in the most indirect, confusing manner ever that my boyfriend is not welcome in the compund because we are not married and I am living in sin.
I am tired of skinny, starving children. Of poor medical care. Of collecting rain water to drink. And of never having a COLD drink. Of communicating with only two year olds. Of trying to watch DVD’s to escape it all, but having to give up when they skip from all the dust in the air, and I just bought them that afternoon.
I am tired of the begging. Of people who feel they are entitled to everything I might own. Of everyone who won’t listen. Of everyone who cannot formulate a single original thought. Of being told that I should observe all Muslim customs and holidays, when clearly, I AM NOT MUSLIM.
I am tired of bathing outside with the mosquitoes. And waiting for the middle of the night to sneak out to use the bathroom cause the privacy fence around my latrine fell down. I’m tired of everything in my house filling with mold and mildew from the rains and of cleaning up after the mice and geckos who share my living space.
I am tired of testing my patience to the breaking point. I am tired of hot, dirty, unsafe public transport with a fat woman sitting on me and squishing my leg. I am tired of people yelling at me as I walk down the road and people who invade my personal space.
I am tired of being fed up with this country, these people, this life. I am just so tired. I want to go home.
-Journal Entry, September 2009
It’s not always rainbows and butterflies…sometimes it’s just a lot of mosquitoes and malaria pills and Gold Bond Medicated Body Powder. Somehow the founders of Peace Corps knew that two years is the breaking point for most people. That after two years pass, minor irritations have become major frustrations. It's the point where you can’t remember exactly why running off to live in the Bolivian mountainside or African bush was ever a good idea and when you decide that maybe the world doesn't need saving after all.
My Peace Corps journey started in August of 2007 and will come to an end on Nov 27, 2009, when at the stroke of midnight I will be carried away to the airport in the last Gambian taxi I might ever have to take in my entire life.
At three in the morning my plane takes off and whisks me away from the Gambia, out of the life that I was wildly thrust into a year ago. After a service filled with ups and downs, evacuations, surprise reunions and new beginnings, I must admit that I am exhausted yet still enormously thankful for the opportunity. I leave with no regrets, only a true belief in the words of President Obama when he says, “Only Africans can help Africa." (And maybe only Bolivians can help Bolivia.)
So as I leave the development of Africa to the Africans, my boyfriend and I are off to take romantic camel rides across the Sahara of Morocco, spend Christmas in Rome with my parents, and finish off somewhere in Greece. If you’d like to meet up anywhere, let me know. If not, I’ll see you back Stateside early next year. Party planning can start now!
6 comments:
As someone who spent 10 months in Africa and hopes to spend 2 years come this January.. I'm sorry, adapting isn't always easy.
Integrating into society is tough.. it took me at least 2 months to feel really "comfortable" in Kenya, and I was in a city.. rural areas were a whole different matter. I didn't like the bland food, I couldn't understand local dialects vs Swahili, and I got pickpocketed twice despite my precautions. I found myself annoyed by constant requests for money and at times by other well-meaning but misguided missionaries and NGO workers.
Having a local friend who didn't ask me for money all the time and really watched out for me made a difference in integrating, and integrating kept me from just saying "screw this, I'm going home".
I'm taking from your blog that you will COS'd rather then ET since your so close to your end date. Tough it out.. it's worth the grumbling and the whining.Sub-Saharan Africa is a tough place for anyone to live.. it can flip your world upside down, surprise you, disappoint you, bring you up, let you down, piss you off. Integration asks you to give up some of your long held ways of life,things you previously held as "non-negotiable", even observing Muslim holidays to build a better relationship with your community. This doesn't mean becoming a By-Proxy Muslim, but finding simple things that you can partake in such as helping prepare a halal meal,learning some Koran verses, and watching what you dress in, say, or do even if it seems repressive ( which indeed it can be). Being yelled at by locals also happens often.. I can't tell you how many time guys would yell at me to buy something "Meesta.. you like! YOU BUY! Yes, COME!". Having a stock reply "Hakuna Pesa Leo", which means " I don't have money today" kept them at bay usually. Other times, I had to be more firm and rebuke them. It's not insensitive, it's setting a standard for how you want to be treated. Nobody wants to be hooted at, cat called, or pestered every day.
These things you think are such a big deal are actually small annoyances that build up. Perhaps shifting your focus more towards what you've already done and what you can reasonably accomplish (such as last minute tweaks to smooth transition) will keep your mind from going to the negative. Believe me the more idle you are, the more pissed off and negative you will get!
Will you be around for Jing's birthday?
oh and I miss ya!
in response to thinkyman:
I'm sure you can relate to being an asian american female PC volunteer in the Gambia because you were in Kenya and climbed Kilamanjaro.
I say huzzah to you, we can all learn quite a bit from this chameleon.
Sometimes sage wisdom is best kept inside one's head big guy.
this was an impressively honest blog that no one can truly relate to. thanks for sharing tammy. i'm glad that you can take something positive out of it.
on a side note, my interpretation of obama's statement is that there must be true democracy and sustainable productivity in african nations...i do think fellow global citizens can and do have a responsibility to assist in building up such a system. but yeah, generally speaking they shouldn't be the one's handing out freebies...
i'm proud to call you my friend, tammy!
I love you Tammy! Liberia is crazy! I cant wait to see you stateside!
Post a Comment